In case you were overwhelmed by the sexual assault reckoning, the charging of Michael Flynn, the missile launching in North Korea, or just abandoned the Internet for life of solitude on a secluded ranch rural Wyoming (highly recommend), you might have missed the news that we’re quite possibly facing a government shutdown in the next few weeks.

The last time this happened was 2013, a blissful year when Obama was president, Twitter was for funny jokes and not horrifying updates, and we were still allowed to not keep up with the news without fear of losing all our rights or dying via nuclear missile. Brb, I’m tearing up thinking about the youthful days of blissful ignorance.

You may not have paid attention last time around because you didn’t have to, but we as a society no longer have that kind of luxury. Unsure what a government shutdown entails? Don’t worry babes, we have you covered.

WTF Is A Government Shutdown?

In its most basic definition, a government shutdown means that all non-essential discretionary programs close down. In your head, non-essential probably means, like, the interns who grab Paul Ryan’s no-doubt extra-hot-extra-foamy-breve-caramel-drizzle-hazelnut-latte every morning, but in reality it’s just about everything.

Why TF Does This Happen?

Government shut downs happens when Congress can’t agree on funding for the next fiscal year, which is supposed to happen around April, or when they fail to pass a “continuing resolution,” which would give them until early December to get their shit together and do the one thing that is literally their job.

I know that, right now, the thought of the government just stopping whatever the fuck they’re doing sounds like a dream, but it’s actually a way bigger problem than that. In 2013 when the government shut down because they couldn’t pull together a continuing resolution, it cost the economy $24 billion. I mean, sure, Beyoncé and Jay-Z could have pulled that money together and thrown America a bone, but it was still a pretty significant loss for the rest of us.

WTF Happens When The Government Shuts Down?

A lot of shit. Or, more aptly, a lot of shit doesn’t happen. Sure, we might be granted a reprieve from seeing the molding yam President Trump on TV every single day, but some other very important things get thrown to the wayside.

·      800,000 people who work in the public sector get sent home for an indefinite period of time with no promise of pay. As if working for the government wasn’t rough enough. Exceptions to this rule include rescue services, law enforcement, immigration services, dam and power line maintenance, and people who overlook nuclear safety. Honestly how embarrassing but also ironic would it be if we just fucking bombed ourselves at this point? The perfect ending to 2017 in my opinion.

·      Trash collection stops in DC. I kind of figured the streets of DC were already overrun with garbage and debris, but I guess this would make that official.

·      The economy gets wrecked. For reference, see the $24 billion dollar loss noted above.

·      National parks, museums, and galleries shut down. Who needs culture when the government is crumbling?

·      Oh, and perhaps most importantly, all those senators, representatives, and the racist and possessed pumpkins who hold the office of President still get fucking paid.

Why TF Is This Happening?

Because it’s 2017 and anything shitty that could happen will absolutely happen.

More specifically, our government will possible shut down December 8th because that’s when the continuing resolution expires.

WTF Do Republicans Want?

The main priority for Republicans is to kill us all push through the GOP Tax Plan, with or without Democratic support. Seeing as how they can’t even get their entire party to agree on it, the odds of Democrats jumping on board are literally zero.

In terms of budget, Republicans want to increase defense spending to $700 billion dollars. However, they won’t even consider looking at a budget until they’ve robbed the middle and lower class of all their money passed tax reform and if they fail, it means Trump went an entire year without passing any major legislation. Yuuuuuuge failure. Very sad!

WTF Democrats Want (Besides A Do-Over Election)?

Some god damn peace and quiet. But since that is less likely than any of us making it out of 2018 alive, they’d be willing to settle for a dollar-for-dollar increase in non-defense discretionary programs in response to the Republicans proposed defense increase.

However, the Democrats are also focused on other projects, like trying to save the DREAMers. You know, the American citizens that Trump wants to deport. If they don’t get that, they’ll be even less likely to negotiate on a budget.

Does Anyone Want This To Happen?

Of course not, because government shutdowns mean suffering for a lot of people and a complete stall in any kind of political progress.

Oh wait, just kidding, the fucking president is all for it.
He’s been telling “confidants” who immediately ran to the , that a government shutdown would be “good for him politically.”

This is the same logic you used in high school when things got stressful and work started piling up and you realized that maybe you aren’t as smart as your third grade teacher lead you to believe so you fake sick for two days to try and hide from the overwhelming pressure of it all. Remember how well that worked for you?

So What’s Next?

A lot of drinking praying, I guess. The GOP Tax vote has been pushed yet again, and Congress has one week to come up with some kind of solve before the US Government quite literally goes home for Christmas Break.

That’s right, Paul Ryan will be at home with his college friends, taking Peppermint Patty shots at an Ugly Sweater party while the country continues hurdling towards absolute chaos. Honestly, sounds about right.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!