Happy early birthday to the original fuckboy of Hollywood: Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s contributed a lot in his 42 years of life, like with his role as Jack Dawson, who taught us that even if you’re humble poor and lie your way through life, you still get the girl. And you get to die when said girl won’t share her life raft AND NO I’M STILL NOT OVER THIS. Leo has also made it his personal mission in life to fight for climate change and also to bang every young, blonde model in the LA area. It’s v inspiring. So in honor of his birthday, and to celebrate these accomplishments, I’ve decided to rank his thotty ex-girlfriends on a scale of one to Bella Thorne. Well, not all of his exes, because as it turns out he’s had more girlfriends than I have hours in the day. No—we’ll stick to the cream of the crop ones with the biggest abandonment issues. Shall we commence the shit talking?


Dates Dated Leonardo DiCaprio: May 2011 – October 2011
Occupation: Actress
Current Age: 30
Most Thot-Like Behavior: Sleeping with Nate at that wedding

Blake Lively dated Leo for, like, three seconds during the summer of 2011 but things fizzled out for them once Blake realized yacht season was over in the fall. Blake went on to marry Certified Snack, Ryan Reynolds, and have two of the prettiest children I’ve ever laid eyes on. Blake is obviously a fucking gem and way too good for Leo and his dad bod. The only reason she’s even on this list at all is because I assume her real life is as slutty and sordid as Serena Van Der Woodsen’s.


Dates Dated Leonardo DiCaprio: November 2011 – November 2012
Occupation: Model
Current Age: 28
Most Thot-Like Behavior: Modeling underwear for a living

Honestly, I want to hate on Erin Heatherton, I do, but she doesn’t make it easy for me, even with her current profession listed as “underwear model.” When she’s not modeling, she spends her free time taking shitty pictures on Instagram with some sort of grainy filter that’s either for her to seem more “real” and “down-to-earth” or exists solely to make me break out in hives. I’m going with the latter.


Dates Dated Leonardo DiCaprio: May 2013 – December 2014; currently
Occupation: Model
Current Age: 25
Most Thot-Like Behavior: Spelling Toni with an “i”

Again, this girl does not make it easy for me. I’ve looked her up and all she seems to do is take tasteful cleavage pics and visit third world countries for her Insta to help impoverished children. Ugh, I hate when people are pretty kind! That said, she is still a Victoria’s Secret model and she did date Leo, a man who rivals her father in both age and appearance, for a solid year so she’s bound to have daddy issues be thirsty AF. You’re not fooling anyone, Toni.


Dates Dated Leonardo DiCaprio: for one hour in 2009 (give or take)
Occupation: Model
Current Age: 31
Most Thot-Like Behavior: Forcing her child to dress up like Hugh Hefner for Halloween so she could be a Playboy bunny

Why no one called child services immediately after this photo was posted is v concerning to me. He’s only a boy, Anne! Anne V dated Leo for five seconds back in 2009 when he was on a break from girlfriend Bar Refaeli. The highlights of their relationship include them banging each other on vacation in Ibiza. Respect. Anne also dated Adam Levine back in the day and continues to say psychotic shit like “I’ll always love him,” even though she dumped him and they’re both married to other people. I don’t know what I find more troubling, the fact that she continues to emotionally masturbate to her ex or that I can literally see her labia in this photo WITH HER SON. Either way, fifth place feels well-deserved for you, Anne.


Dates Dated Leonardo DiCaprio: 1997
Occupation: Spice Girl
Current Age: 41
Most Thot-Like Behavior: Choosing to go by the first name “baby”

Baby Spice, aka the Spice Girl your mother was horrified by, was the OG thot. I know she’s like, old and everything now, but her age doesn’t keep her safe from me publicly roasting her this list. And if you’re thinking to yourself, “No way was Baby Spice a thot! She was just the cute one! I dressed like her for Halloween when I was 10!” Well, let’s just take a look at the evidence, shall we? One, her public persona was a Republican senator’s wet dream slightly pedophilic. Two, she went around calling herself “baby” as a grown-ass woman while she licked lollipops suggestively. No, she was 100 percent a thot and your mother must be worse than Anne V for letting you wear that costume out in public. For shame. All I can say is this bitch is really fucking lucky Instagram didn’t exist in the 90s, because otherwise her Spice Girl days would be actual blackmail.


Dates Dated Leonardo DiCaprio: Unknown
Occupation: Personal hero and role model Singer
Current Age: 29
Most Thot-Like Behavior: Making a wine glass an outfit accessory

Okay, so FINE, it hasn’t been proven that Leo and RiRi were ever officially a thing, but he did help her plan her birthday party in 2015 and they were seen hanging out a club, and tbh I’ve spread rumors decided celebs were couples off of less evidence than that. Regardless of their relationship status, Rihanna still makes the list because otherwise this list would be made up entirely of models who look like thirst traps but volunteer in their spare time. So I had to shake things up a little, you know? When I say Rihanna is a thot, I say it with the utmost respect and admiration. She’s clearly a queen among peasants and we’re not worthy of her and her wine glass. 


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Dates Dated Leonardo DiCaprio: For six months in 2015
Occupation: Model/Actress
Current Age: 27
Most Thot-Like Behavior: Pretending she’s down-to-earth while taking selfies of her cleavage

Case in point: the above picture. Kelly’s come a long way from modeling bedazzled bras and angel wings; now she’s even more well known for her rack a budding actress who recently reprised Pam Anderson’s iconic role in . Dream big, ladies. But everything you really need to know about Kelly can be found in her IG, where she spends 100 percent of her time pretending to be down-to-earth while simultaneously flashing everything but her areola. If there’s one thing I hate in a thirst trap, it’s lies. And this girl is a deceitful bitch. Do not be fooled by her seemingly innocent vacation pics or “just cause” selfies. No, there is a reason for everything she posts, and it’s “just cause” she wants to flash some nipple. Jesus. I never thought I’d say this, but, Kelly, you could learn a thing or two from Ariel Winter. At least she’s honest about her thirst levels.


Dates Dated Leonardo DiCaprio: May 2016 – May 2017
Occupation: Model
Current Age: 25
Most Thot-Like Behavior: The below Instagram thirst trap photo

Last but certainly not least, we have Nina Agdal, professional model and Instagram thirst trap. Congratulations, girl! Your cry for help is next level clearly thriving after the breakup! Before her year-long romance with Leo, Nina was just another boring model who pretended to eat meals on Instagram. Flash forward to one month after their breakup and her feed is more extra than Ariel Winter working out. Like what are you flexing, Nina? Instagram’s nudity policy? Because you’re flexing that limit pretty fucking close. 


VIA: http://www.betches.com/